In my pancake tiredness (sleepiness brought on by over eating of pancakes) I suddenly became fearful and saddened. My thought process wasn't very clear at first as I had been dozing and really didn't know I was actually speaking until my boyfriend started to answer. For the past few days I've been having terrible nightmares about morals. I grew fearful in my subconscious state that people would eventually hate me for my differences in beliefs. You see, I'm a Christian, but not in the southern Christian form that most BCM students are in my college. I have been struggling lately with the idea that I'm not "good enough" in their eyes. Its something that Nick (my boyfriend) has been trying to convince me I'm wrong about. He'll speak quietly and slowly in the dark, whispering comforts and explaining to me that, not only am I different but more truly a Christian than they are. In his words they are hypocrites. They speak the Word, they go through the actions, but they are stiff, unfeeling and so fearful of falling into sin they stay away from those who need the Word the most. I'm not saying all kids in the BCM are like this, or that all BCMs or Christian gatherings are like this. In fact, I know many who speak, breath, live as best they can in Jesus' footsteps. But these quiet talks in the middle of the night is really starting to put things in perspective for me. The major question I've been asking myself lately is: What is a TRUE Christian? Well the answer seems obvious doesn't it? One who follows Christ.
Well, what does that mean?
To me, its living as Jesus lived. No, not flawless. We are human, we make mistakes, we stain ourselves up will little sins every day. We mishear what the Lord is telling up and we run away all the time. But that was the point of Jesus. He was sent to save us from these human flaws, no matter how big.
No, what I mean by "Living as Jesus did" is doing our best to follow in his footsteps. Loving everyone with every fiber you have, feeling the pain of humanity cry out to you and yearn only to serve the Lord who has given you the breath in your chest. In my sleepiness today I felt it again. That burning desire to serve, to do nothing but give my life to the Lord so that He may use me as He pleases. I nearly burst into tears thinking about all the people I've yet to help. Not save, help. Help is the first step to save. If someone is starving and they don't already believe they wont care if you quote the Bible at them, they just want the sandwich in your hand. Only when the hunger and pain is relieved is when you should quietly, gently give them a word of hope. Tonight as I lay in bed all I could think was "How many children are going to bed hungry tonight, how many in Richmond? In New York City? In Africa? Have I done all that I can today to help someone? Did I say one word that would comfort and ease someones pain?" I couldn't answer it. I just wanted to cry for my lack of service. My lack of Christianity. Nick once again came to the rescue. He explained that simply by living and spending the past 18 years of my life learning and growing in faith I have been serving. You cannot serve without knowing what your message is first. Only now have I learned enough about the Word to understand what God is calling me to do. So I will serve. Perhaps it will take a bit of effort to find the best way for me to serve, but that's ok, I rejoice in it. I rejoice in knowing God can finally use me. In my life all I ever want to do is help one person. If I can help just one person, make one persons life easier and worth living than I can die happy. I just want to serve.
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